Parents’ Perspective and Advice after the Death of a Child
There have been many studies and discussions of death of children occurring in medical practices written by physicians, child psychiatrists, psychologists, behavioral scientists, and theologians. Woolley, a pediatric surgeon, questioned a group of parents who had lost one or more children about their experiences and their advice for physicians interacting with parents after the death of a child. He used a questionnaire to extract "threads of commonality" and perspectives that might permit a more appropriate response by physicians when confronted by the death of a child in their practice.1
The following thoughts and perspectives were expressed by the parents:
1. The feelings associated with the loss of a child are not understandable unless you, the physician, have also lost a child. Therefore, do not say, "I understand." You can’t.
2. Most parents react adversely to "pat" explanations such as "It’s God’s will, and someday you will understand."
3. The death of a child places severe stress upon the marriage, and many do not survive. Parents may blame each other for not being supportive. However, if the marriage does survive a child’s death, it may be stronger for the experience.
4. Parents’ opinions concerning counseling by professional counselors or theologians were mixed. Group sessions with other parents who have lost a child and organized self-help discussion groups were considered to be of value by some parents and should be offered.2,3
5. During the recovery period from a child’s death, parents see themselves as having become different people.
6. Mothers and fathers react differently to a child’s death. Fathers tend to immerse themselves in their work; mothers often want to talk about the death. Some parents attempt to evade pain by excessive eating or drinking.
7. Some parents become involved in projects or organizations that are in some way related to the cause of the child’s death.
8. Parents want their families and friends to remain available but not intrusive.
9. The dead child should remain an integral part of the family, and no attempt should be made to suggest that they should be forgotten.
I would only add that when a child dies after a long and difficult course, the parents often take some comfort from the fact that the child was a "fighter" and was courageous.hap
References
1. Wooley MM. The death of a child: The parents’ perspective and advice. J Pediatr Surg 1997;32:73-74.
2. The Compassionate Friends, Inc. Resource Catalog. P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, Illinois 60522-3696.
3. The Candlelighter Childhood Cancer Foundation, 7910 Woodmont Ave., Suite 460, Bethesda, MD 20814-3055.
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